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The Bane of the Golf Umbrella March 20, 2010

Posted by bitchwantstea in Fashion / Beauty, Sex / Relationships.
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BWT rather enjoys the rain.  We like the splishy sploshy noises it makes.  But one thing we DON’T enjoy about the rain is the inevitable offshoot it creates – THE GOLF UMBRELLA!  And the men who carry it.

The golf umbrella is the behemoth of the umbrella world.  It takes up massive amounts of space – which is great, if you’re, y’know, in the middle of a golfing range that has lots of room.  But on a pavement packed with people on a Saturday afternoon?  NO.

There is also the danger element – normal umbrellas can be pretty effective at accidentally slicing someone’s head off (well, maybe just messing up your hair).  But the golf umbrella is so huge, with such a massive reach, you can be living fifty miles away and still find the bloody thing snagging your coat.

But our vitriol isn’t really focused on the golf umbrella itself.  It is focused on the men who carry them – because nine times out of ten, it is men.  We did a non-existent poll and discovered it’s always that singular guy, trying to look important.  And ask yourself – why would a lone person decide to use an object that is, as mentioned above, far too large and cumbersome for every day life?  Why not use a NORMAL sized umbrella, which is just as effective at keeping the rain away, but far less irritating to carry and less intrusive to other pedestrians?

Because golf umbrellas are that dude’s way of saying I HAVE A GIGANTIC PENIS!

Let’s evaluate:

What he thinks he’s saying: “Check me out.  I’m so laid back in these chinos and my massive golf umbrella.  That’s because I’m manly.  Let’s grab a coffee sometime.”

What he’s ACTUALLY saying:  “GIANT PENIS!  LOOK AT MY GIANT PENIS!”

What he thinks he’s saying: “I’m waiting to meet someone.  That’s because I’m a very popular and important person, hangin’ out with my golf umbrella.”

What he’s ACTUALLY saying:  “YOU CAN’T EVEN *SEE* MY TROUSERS, AND YET YOU KNOW I HAVE A GIANT PENIS! LOOK AT MY PENIS!  LOOK AT MEEEE!”

… Okay, we might be being a little harsh.  Actually, no we’re not.  Why don’t you try being even handed the next time you have to step into the road because an idiot is taking up the whole of the pavement unnecessarily?

So, to all you golf umbrella maniacs out there: We know what you’re trying to say.  Don’t think we don’t know.  And for the record, if you need to compensate with a wire frame and a big canvas, then you definitely don’t.

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